How do we go about creating ourselves when it comes to relationships? Starting over yet again? Today´s article is on the topic of romantic relationships.
The way to make friends with yourself, to get into good physical shape, and to make money doing what you love is no secret. In the words of Richard Branson:
Screw it, let´s do it!
Fat? Go on the Maya Plisetskaya diet and stop stuffing your face.
Poor? Decide what you want to do to make more money and work according to a plan: work – think – improve – work – think – improve – work.
Unhappy? Look inside yourself. Determine what makes you unhappy and what makes you happy. Discard the former and bring more of the latter into your life.
Many people don´t manage to achieve these results for one very obvious reason: they don´t do it. They start and then give up. They jump on to the next thing. Or they never begin in the first place because they are too plagued by doubts, fears, prejudices and the opinions of others.
At age 20 we worry about what others think of us, at age 40 we don´t give a damn what people think of us, and at age 60 we realise no one ever thought anything about us at all.
And so we come to the most interesting question – does this same technique work for relationships? Can we say “let´s do it” when it comes to love? And if so, how? How can we create ourselves anew with relationships?
Words cannot describe how much I have delved into my own thoughts and feelings while musing on this question. I have dived to the very depths and risen back up to the surface. Laying out my experiences, and those of others, piece by piece, I posed the question squarely and tried my best look it straight in the eye…
I won´t dress it up; the simple truth that has persistently proved itself to me every time I inquired into it, and even when I tried to ignore it, is:
You don´t need to search for love
It is impossible to find yourself; you can only create yourself. The same goes for relationships. It is impossible to find love, but it is possible to create yourself (only yourself, not another person) and open yourself (!) to relationships. Create an open door through which romantic feelings can enter your heart.
Being open to relationships and searching for them are diametrically opposed.
In the first scenario the person is at ease with themselves and the world. They are prepared to share this state with their partner (creating an incredibly attractive personal magnetism), whereas the second scenario, more often than not, leads to a painful love story along the lines of “relationships as saviour from personal unhappiness”, which never ends well.
If you are unhappy, relationships will not save you and make you happy in the long run. It will only give you brief glimpses of joy, leaving a trail of many bitter complaints and pain from both partners. Your inner unhappiness will rise to the surface before you know it and will begin to control your life. You can change your partner, and it may well be the right decision, but it won´t heal the essential hurt. If you are unhappy, then you will continue to be unhappy in a relationship.
The only path to progress is to stop laying the burden of your happiness on the shoulders of your loved ones and make yourself happy on your own. Dig under the rubble of your fears and prejudices to find your inner core and finally give it a clean-up – it can shine all on its own. That is its very essence.
Damsels in distress! Real men are not extinct; they have just gone to be with real women (the ones not in distress).
To put it simply:
Do you want a relationship? Then become the person you would like to meet (in a general sense).
And first things first – grow up:
Take responsibility for everything that happens in your life;
Stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself;
Work on yourself;
Work on your career;
Be happy right HERE and NOW.
Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who is unhappy, chronically miserable, insecure and forever dithering. Do you? Then don´t be like that. There are very few people who wants lovers that are “trying to find themselves”, whereas everybody is attracted to people who have created their own world. Create, and do not seek, yourself. This is the golden rule.
If you want to meet someone healthy, confident, dependable and emotionally stable, then you have to translate these qualities into yourself. If you want to find a prince, become a princess, and vice versa.
It really couldn´t be more crystal-clear. So why doesn´t each and every person implement this in their life?
Firstly, because people are incapable of seeing themselves clearly; they constantly underestimate or overestimate everything, and tend to have an infantile certainty that they are not responsible for any of it. Secondly, because people can´t or won´t commit to working on themselves, to consciously evolving and growing – which means developing the aspects of themselves that require attention.
Wise people are made, not born.
“My cynical side suspected optimism would sell more books,” said Carrie Bradshaw yesterday on the popular women´s TV show.
This, my friends, is precisely what my marketing-drenched cynicism knows to be true: that all these stories about “finding true love” are a bottomless goldmine in terms of both profits and customer loyalty. They can broadcast this same old story around the clock and always come out with top ratings. Women will be delighted to learn that their whole lives revolve around men, and so their main aim in life should be to find a man (and if you believe that you´ll have to ignore the fact that there are just as many unhappy married women as there are single ones), and the weaker, more insecure men will be good listeners, and the right woman can mould them into strong men (no thanks to the men themselves).
I can´t continue with this farce. It is just marketing. It may not be popular, but I am going to be completely honest with you about what I have seen and learned from my personal experiences:
The only way of finding a mature relationship is to create yourself as joyful, content, beautiful, healthy and industrious, and open yourself up to profound relationships, in which both partners develop together, but not because of each other.
I have suffered from an extremely widespread female affliction: addictive love. I don´t know where we get it from: from childhood, from society, from past lives or constant insecurity in ourselves, but it is a chronic affliction of the majority of women in Russia, and perhaps the world. The symptoms: she was a regular girl until she met Him, the Love of her Life, and that´s when it all started – utter dissolution of self into the object of her affections, rejection of her own interests in favour of his, a desire to spend all her time with him, inability to be alone, jealousy, a constant need for control, “true love” on all levels, with thoughts like “I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, and never will again”. The girl thinks that she is a femme fatale, when in reality she is in a deluded frenzy: imposing love and demanding it in return, once the relationship gets to a stage that allows that sort of thing. Basically, she becomes a slave to her emotions and loses control over both herself and the situation. She starts to allow things that should never be permissible in relationships – reproaching him, checking up on him, tantrums, impatience (calling and messaging him whenever she is bored) and so on. The relationship is destroyed. The man gets sick of it, or loses interest, or finds it too emotionally draining, while the girl, who is only happy when she is by his side (but deeply unhappy when alone) becomes the worst kind of energetic vampire.
If you know someone like this, here is my advice:
Sometimes you cannot fight fire with fire, it just makes it worse.
It is pointless to hop from lover to lover in search of your next great love, without getting to the bottom of what is going on inside you. You will just go around in circles, falling into all the same universal traps.
The fire of “addictive love” cannot be fought with fire – you need to put it out with your own hands. The burns will heal.
Once again we come back to the constant lesson – create yourself anew. Find your “peculiarities” and change them into what you want them to be, with a conscious approach. This is not a quick fix. It is the process of consciously cleaning and fortifying your life.
Relationships as the union of two mature individuals
In order to find a warm-hearted person with whom to build a mature relationship, you need to BE, and not search:
Determine what brings you happiness, and do it.
BE healthy in mind and body
Food, water, exercise, physical activity, constructive positive thinking.
Again, find out what brings you happiness, and do it.
BE open to new relationships
Be open. There is no other way to say it. This is an inevitable consequence of being happy, healthy and passionate.
It is about the union of two mature individuals, when neither partner needs the other to fill the emptiness inside – they are together to grow, to start a family and to enjoy life.
I would like to end with a quote that came to mind while I was working on this article, or rather, while it was hatching from me. They are the words of a great yoga teacher. This is the answer for which many have long searched:
People need to learn to control their emotions from a young age. I believe that nobody should get married until they have learned to control their impulses. Until a person has achieved emotional stability, they have not matured sufficiently to raise a family. Self-control is the greatest quality! If, possessing it, you wish to get married, then the right individual will be magnetically drawn to you.
Paramahansa Yogananda, “Man´s Eternal Quest”