A birthday that soon flows into New Year is invariably a period of reflection. Though I never force myself to set particular goals or seek out particular answers, somewhere around the eve of November 5th questions always start to arise. Then by New Year they occupy my thoughts to the point of threatening to burst out at the first available opportunity, unless I provide them with some sort of release. This year I decided to help this process along by musing on some life lessons I have learned. And this is what I came up with.
“No, we don’t want ordinary tea. Can we have ginger and lemon?”
Yesterday we turned down tea. Or, to be more precise, I turned it down because my heart was pounding a mile a minute after our ascent, and my companions did the same in solidarity. Altitude sickness was slowly sneaking up on all of us.
“Tell us a few things about yourself which the people here don’t know.”
This was a task I had set, and it came round to me at the end, after all the other participants had already told their stories. We had come full circle. My turn.
The more I experiment with twists and turns on my life path, the more obvious it becomes that radical changes like to take their sweet time. More than they actually need. A slow start is a strong start, and not only for those who like to go through life slowly. This is evidently the only approach to making a complete U-turn on your life’s course.
A couple of years ago I began a dialogue with the universe. I broadcast, and it listened in silence. Yet it still was a dialogue, I can assure you. I have never claimed to be anything other than a deep-water fish. This is metaphorical, of course, but no less significant for it. You see, I am not comfortable in shallow waters, it is not my environment, and I always want to return to the depths, far from the visible surface. I will go to extreme lengths to reach this state and find a place that will stimulate me, and I never complain about finding myself in unexpected landscapes. If you are interested, this dialogue can be easily found in the archives. It is all recorded.
My main occupation and interest is studying the process of change. Through careful observation of those around me, both loved ones and acquaintances – or, increasingly, my readers and listeners – I always seek out the knots hindering their progress (to help them eventually find and undo them themselves).
In October my project “Create yourself anew” had its two-year anniversary. It’s hard to believe that it’s been two years already, but at the same time hard to believe it has only been two years. Two long years that have gone by in a flash. It’s bizarre: it seems surreal and at the same time completely normal. Ask as many questions as you like about the details of this process, I don’t know if I could ever explain how it is simultaneously incredibly, excruciatingly difficult, and magically simple.
“And so whenever a new potential boyfriend appears on the horizon, I get a sense of dread and can feel myself hardening: what if I lose myself again? What will become of my life if I end up with a husband and kids?” Readers’ questions
“So are you facing many problems at the moment? Or is everything going smoothly?”
I was meeting up with a friend who had visited Bali with me two years previously. We were in a café in Moscow and discussing life, sat opposite some contemporary artwork entitled “Never-ending struggle”, worth no less than 216,000 Russian roubles, which is about $3,300.
Responding to readers’ questions.
I’m 30. I don’t have a boyfriend and I’ve never had a long-term relationship. What should I do?